Buzzed Bands Podcast, Ep. 2 w/ Cold Blood Club

Saturday, January 24, 2009

"Piss Between My Legs!" She Said Excitedly

So I'm at some crazy punk rock party in Bushwick last night. The party was in a tiny apartment that had way too many people crammed into it. The shitty little mosh pit in the dining room died down as the band finished up their set. That's when I realized I had to take a piss.

I pushed my way through the crowd and took my place in line. I waited at the end of the line, which extended into the kitchen, for the five or so people in front of me to do their business. That's when she got in line behind me.

I didn't really notice her at first, she was unassuming - especially amongst the mohawk and tattoo crowd. Then she started talking loudly to her friend behind me and that's when I turned around. She was a cute girl in a fur coat who seemed out of place at a crazy ass punk party.

Somehow I ended up inserting myself into their conversation. I remember discussing the line and how slowly it was moving. She said "I piss like a dude" to those behind her to ensure them she wouldn't be nearly as long as the dicks in front of us - who were probably doing blow.

Then she turned to me and asked me if she could accompany me to the bathroom. She wanted to know if I was willing to speed things up by pissing in the sink while she pissed in the toilet. I denied her offer saying that I would feel bad pissing in some dudes sink. Then her friend interjected with a solution, "She can sit on the toilet and you can stand over her and piss between her legs" she said jokingly.

I laughed along with the friend as it was quite a funny suggestion but she wasn't laughing. A look of great excitement came over her face. "Yeah! Piss between my legs!" she said excitedly. Again, I laughed until I realized that she wasn't actually joking. Her friends joke became a serious suggestion. Upon seeing that she was totally into the suggestion, the friend encouraged me to go along with it too.

It's not many times in life that a man is made such an offer, especially by a stranger. The fact is I wanted to do it, if for no other reason than it's a once in a lifetime experience. This was quite a dilemma. After some serious thought I decided to decline. The fact is, displaying my wang in front of a random girl in a bathroom (even in a non-sexual manner) would probably upset my girlfriend. So I totally pussied out.

The girls were noticeably upset that I refused such an amazing offer. I mean if you make a grand intimate proposal like that you expect compliance. I felt pretty bad, for both upsetting her and knowing I'd regret my decision, but I would have felt even worse the next day had I done it.

So I went into the bathroom solo while they waited in line outside. I finished my business, washed my hands, and stepped back into the hallway. When I opened the door I was greeted by the girls with looks of utmost disgust. I said nothing but raised my arms and tilted my head in that "sorry, nothing I can do about it" gesture.

Then I pushed my way back through the crowd to rejoin my friends drinking vodka in the corner. I immediately shared my story because, let's face it, it's a fucking awesome tale to tell. My story was followed first by dropped jaws and laughter and then by "What the fuck dude! Why didn't you do it? Seriously? I would have fucking done that shit! What's wrong with you? Where's this girl at?".

Of course, under the barrage of criticism, I started to doubt myself. Maybe I should have done it because... Well, let's face it - that ain't happening again, ever. All night long as we hopped around from place to place I was reminded of my folly. "Dude, what were you thinking, man?" was the mantra of the night.

Then I got home and shared the night's highlight with my girlfriend. She thought it was hilarious and was quite pleased I didn't do the deed. That's when I realized I made the right choice. You see had I actually done it I would have had to keep this gem of a story to myself. However, in refraining, I gained an awesome story I could actually tell you all about!

13 comments:

ithinkyoureswell said...

geez. that's intense. haha.

what kinda freak? hahaha.

i woulda done it.

Anonymous said...

Dude, what were you thinking, man?

Adrian said...

I bet I can find her on Craigs List under Missed Connections or Causal Encounters

Matt K. said...

If you can find her on CL send her a link to the post!

Amazingly, over 3,000 people have read this post in the last 35 hours or so. Nothing like a good old fashion piss story to draw in readers.

killshopkill said...

ok you guys are awesome

Matt K. said...

@Killshopkill - No, no, you're awesome! We were hanging with you guys at the shop opening party. Thanks for the whiskey!

Peter said...

Me and my ex used to do that all the time at crowded parties. She and her friends always referred to it as "threading the needle".

Mz. Marvel said...

this is great!!!! LOL i think i have actually done that!!! A frend of mine sent me your link, love it!

Greg said...

"... let's face it, it's a fucking awesome tale to tell."

nope.

Matt K. said...

Greg - over 3,000 people read the story and the line you quoted was at the end of the story, which means you were interested enough to read the whole thing. I'm fine with you disagreeing but a simple "nope" is pretty damn lazy.

Nick said...

hahaha...awesome story!

Anonymous said...

Do you have copy writer for so good articles? If so please give me contacts, because this really rocks! :)

Anonymous said...

Have you considered the fact that this might work another way? I am wondering if anyone else has come across something
exactly the same in the past? Let me know your thoughts...

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